There has been much discussion lately about cleaning up the Tenderloin and putting up billboards on Market Street. In this man’s opinion, however, it does not appear that a piecemeal approach to solving San Francisco’s problems will be effective. The major problems in the city should be attacked simultaneously.
Beautifying Downtown
Everything has been tried on Market Street; nothing works. If Market is to become a glorious thoroughfare, most of the buildings between Powell and Van Ness must be destroyed. In their place we should bring over some of the majestic buildings that line the Champs Élysées in Paris. We would then allow sidewalk cafés on Market where only French could be spoken and patrons could only order brioches or croissants or pommes frites.
The Tenderloin, of course, presents different problems. Residents of the city could enter this neighborhood only if they are carrying a gun or a dagger. All new buildings will have a new zoning designation: “fortress zone.” They will be required to have gun turrets, moats, and drawbridges, which could be pulled up in the event of an invasion by pimps, drug dealers, and disgruntled members of the Board of Supervisors.
Sixth Street between Market and Folsom is also a mess. The solution is simply to eliminate it. One would jump from Fifth Street to Seventh. No ingress or egress from the former Sixth Street. The denizens of this area who importune passersby with, “Do you have any spare change or spare municipal bonds?” would be relocated farther south of Market—about 100 miles south.
Parking
There are areas of the city where it’s impossible to park—Nob Hill, Russian Hill, North Beach, Chinatown—and the parking garages charge about twenty bucks for every twenty minutes. The answer is to build vertical parking above metered spaces—platforms above ground level with hoists. There are already a number of public vertical parking facilities in cities around the world and there’s no reason why we couldn’t adapt the system to our overcrowded streets. Of course, there would be those who would complain about aesthetics, but such minor quibbling shouldn’t derail the project.
Monuments
The fact is, Coit Tower is a tired monument. It does have a strategic location—fabulous view—but its old murals and distressed concrete need to be replaced. Coit Tower should be dismantled and in its place we should commission a tower in the shape of a loaf of sourdough. That, of course, would be very San Francisco.
We must also do something about the Villaincourt fountain. It’s been heavily criticized and is a bit too fussy for our fair city. How about knocking it down and replacing it with a fountain made out of Legos?
Politics
For many years San Francisco has been burdened with a clownish Board of Supervisors as well as various incompetent (and sometimes corrupt) administrators on boards and commissions. They can’t work with the Mayor or with each other and often run afoul of residency requirements or campaign finance laws. The system should be changed. The Mayor should be permitted to appoint members of the Board of Supervisors from a list compiled by the Nob Hill Gazette. It’s time that some of our socially prominent citizens have an opportunity to do more than contribute to nonprofit causes in the City. If we had people like John Gunn or Delia Ehrlich or Merla Zellerbach or Dede Wilsey on the Board, things would get done in a hurry.
Housing
Despite the economic downturn, particularly in real estate, prices for a home or condo in San Francisco remain beyond the reach of most people. And if the purchase price doesn’t eliminate them, the monthly condo fees will. Only people such as auto dealers, who made a small fortune from the cash-for-clunkers program, can afford such extravagance. And if you’re looking for a cute Victorian on Bush or Pine for a reasonable price, forget it.
There are various solutions to this problem: set up a tasteful tent city in the Candlestick parking lots or subdivide the interior of the Cow Palace and construct pre-fab apartments. We could also borrow a page from rent control and cap the prices that could be asked for new housing units. Another idea would be to have would-be homeowners move to Rohnert Park.
Congestion
At certain times of day there is gridlock downtown. One way to relieve the congestion in the morning is to transport all drivers to Twin Peaks and have them walk from there to their destination. And the answer to First Street traffic trying to get on to the Bay Bridge is to place a giant crane on Harrison, adjacent to First, and simply lift cars off First and place them directly on the bridge roadway. With respect to Union Square, we could have an ordinance requiring companies like Macy’s, Saks, and Neiman Marcus to eliminate their pesky cosmetics counters on the first floor and provide for customer parking inside their stores.
Not all these ideas will work, but it is time to use a little imagination.
Asher Rubin has a well-earned reputation as an urban planner. He lectures on urban problems in men’s rooms around the country.
