Europe has gone bonkers.

In Paris, at the Regina Hotel, a waiter explained that it’s against the law for a server to put a teabag in a teapot, and then add water. Thus, he served lukewarm water, and the bag separately.

In England, schools have banned skipping ropes and conkers (a traditional children’s game of wild chestnuts swinging on a string) because both activities are deemed dangerous. Pencils that have been sharpened to a point are blunted by the teachers.

And, in a country proud of banning guns, a British Bobby (policeman) brandishing a machine gun stands in the middle of the road in verdant Regents Park.

John Galliano of Christian Dior is a gardener

“Why?” I ask the taxi driver.

“It’s the American ambassador’s residence, madam.”

Indeed. Winfield House, donated to the U.S. Government by Barbara Hutton a year after World War II, has been the official residence ever since—formerly without gun toting coppers.

The American embassy in Grosvenor Square is moving to Battersea (in the next ten years) to the relief of Mayfair.

Beauty, ageing, flora, and fauna were prime topics of conversation during the Fall/Winter 2010/11 Haute Couture Collections in Paris.

“If you want to lose weight, stop eating,” said the pencil slim Carla Sozzani of Corso Como 10.

“If you want to look young, don’t lose weight,” remarked fashion guru Colin McDowell, “or you’ll look like those American fashion editors who have turned into monsters.”

A Saudi princess’s solution: “Sit far from the mirror and take off your glasses.”

At Armani Privé, in place Vendôme, beauty and forgiveness were key. Giorgio Armani believes in light camouflage and probably agrees with Colin McDowell.

Again at place Vendôme, Riccardo Tischi for Givenchy showed a static collection of ten outfits. The workmanship was superb, and this display allowed clients and press to see it without distraction. I was intrigued by a heavily encrusted evening dress, beaded all over, even to the fingertips. On close inspection (finally), I figured out that the sleeve was attached to the bodice by a zipper around the armhole.

Fauna was evident at Chanel. Karl Lagerfeld’s collection, at the Grand Palais, took place under an anatomically correct golden lion, thirty-six feet high and seventy-two feet long. Coco Chanel was a Leo and would have loved the collection, the lion bridegroom, Grace Coddington’s wild red leonine hair, and, after the show, VIPs milling around under the Leo’s private parts.

At On Aura Tout Vu, crocodiles and fish skeletons were featured among the very pretty outfits; at Azzedine Alaïa, Caroline Fabre Bazin wore a snake ring, a snake bracelet, and a serpent brooch.

On July 7 at 2 p.m., Dasha Zhukova tried on Azzedine Alaïa’s belly revealing two-piece (left); at 10 p.m., at chez Valentino, her belly button was covered.

At Azzedine’s lunch, Dasha Zhukova, the Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich’s girlfriend, showed pictures of her arts foundation in Moscow called Le Garage. After lunch, she tried on a belly button–revealing two-piece.

John Galliano for Christian Dior Haute Couture blossomed and flourished and, at the end, took his bow dressed like a mad Miss Marples in gardening attire.

He produced gigantic blooming ball gowns and accessorized the flowers by wrapping the face with cellophane, like a bouquet.

Clearly, he tipped off a few friends. In front of me sat a friend of the house. Her chignon was encased in magenta petals not unlike ’50s rubber swimming caps (which are still available at the American Pharmacy).

Alber Elbaz at his Lanvin presentation in the Crillon showed an olive coat with big shoulders. “But no shoulder pads, draped like a flower.” He also had dresses that transformed into swimsuits—with floral caps.

One of the most beautiful sights in Paris was a linen promotion. A field of linen was planted in the Palais Royale. Linen stems grow straight up, covered with blue flowers. On close inspection, the soil was bone dry, so this plant flourishes in arid conditions.

The linen project displayed wonderful zany creations among the plants—such as glamorous scarecrows by participating designers Thierry Mugler, Alber Elbaz, Swarovski, Kenzo, Jean-Paul Knott, Didier Ludot, Gustavo Lins, Roberto Cavalli, to name but a few.

Still on the floral theme, Maria Grazia Chiuri and Pier Paolo Piccioli, the present designers at Valentino, created a swirling white flower from bosom to hem on a black chiffon dress.

On the last evening, Valentino Garavani invited friends, Romans, and countrymen to his very grand Château de Wideville, about an hour’s drive from Paris, and showed his archives.

Everyone was there: Dasha Zhukova, in her new Azzedine Alaïa two-piece (but no longer revealing her belly button), Marc Jacobs, Natalia Vodianova, Elizabeth Hurley, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jane Fonda, and more—many, many more.

Though for some of us, the evening was pure fantasy. Valentino has always lived this charmed life, prompting Jackie O’s famous comment (I paraphrase): “Valentino, I hope you live forever!”

I am happy to report that Valentino Garavani, truly the Last Emperor, is living happily ever after, with Giancarlo Giammetti thriving at his side.

Gladys Perint Palmer’s next book, From Eve to Yves, will be published by Madison Press Books as soon as she finishes hand writing the words!