“A stranger called me the other day,” a local bachelor was telling friends at a party. “He said he was a ‘dating coach,’ and he could help me understand women. I told him any guy who claims to understand women has to be a phony, and I hung up.”
Not a unique situation. The “stranger” was most likely one of a new breed of men and women who’ve evolved from friendly matchmaking into “dating concierges,” “counselors,” “guides,” or whatever. They offer to polish your skills in every aspect of dating from the first flirt to fixing up your bedroom.
The New York Times recently reported a rather tasteless new trend. It seems that “What’s your sign?” has been replaced by “What’s your credit score?” Anything above 750 is good, anything below is not—and is considered ample reason to shun the man or woman in question.
That same newspaper suggests that traditional courtship is dead, and that “dinner and a movie” have been replaced by “hanging out.” One young man says he never thinks about asking girls on a date, but rather “having them join in what I’m doing.”
Many women have no problem accepting that concept, and don’t mind getting such non-invitations as, “anything fun going on tonight?”
Others aren’t as flexible. While they realize that courtship customs have evolved, and that men no longer feel they have to pay for everything, they still prefer the three R’s—restaurants, roses, and romance. As 28-year-old techie Cheryl Yeoh says, “If a man really wants you, he has to put in some effort.”
Neither traditional dating, nor the egalitarian “hanging out,” however, can protect singles from exposure to the myriad of persons, plans, and products available to help them find a mate. And contrary to what one hears, The Daily Beast, a popular online newspaper, surveyed the national situation and concluded that San Francisco is among the ten best American cities to meet a date. (Atlanta, Georgia takes first place, and San Francisco is number eight.)
Yet what might seem like a glitch-free ride to romance often runs into roadblocks.
“Sure, I’ve gone online to find a date, but usually it’s disappointing,” says 27-year-old Ollie Dudeck, a professional jazz musician. “Everyone looks better in her pictures. I did have good luck once, but generally, I’d rather meet someone in person. I can usually tell within the first five seconds if it will work or not.
“Sometimes girls call me for a first date, but usually I’m the one who calls. Then then they text me for a second date—which I find flattering. I expect to pay for the meal on a first date, but sometimes the girl will offer to pay half. I kind of like it when that happens.”
So does 35-year-old software sales executive Bixby Jamison. “I wish it would happen more,” he says, laughing. “We do text a lot, but to ask someone out for a first date, I generally use the phone.”
Human resources professional Rachelle Taylor, a striking divorcée in her 40s, feels that, “Dating’s changed in so many ways. Women have more confidence and motivation now—often they have careers, and they’d like to have a steady boyfriend, so they don’t have to date around.”
In her lifetime, she explains, the dating scene has become amazingly casual. “People have so much access to each other. Before, it was a phone call. Today you can text, email, use the social media—it’s so easy to just send a man a message. For instance: ‘Would you like to have drinks?’ ”
She continues: “Once you have a date, splitting the check is the norm. I go out anticipating that I’ll pay my half. It’s not as personal anymore. Maybe you’ll end up just being friends. The point is—you don’t even need to leave your house to meet someone.”
Yet for some who are presently unattached, the old-fashioned way is the only way.
“About a year after Al Wilsey died,” says philanthropist/Fine Arts Museums board president Dede Wilsey, “My two sons sat me down and said, ‘We need to talk to you. Dating’s changed. Today, your date might want you to pay for dinner.’ I said, ‘If a man asks me out, I’m not paying for dinner! I never carry money anyway.’
“In Newport,” she adds, laughing, “I had a date with a nice gentleman, and my son Todd (Traina) asked me to wake him when I got home. I did, and he told me, ‘You were out too late! It’s not appropriate! I don’t want you to get a reputation.’ I said, ‘For what? Eating dinner?’ Now the boys try to be subtle—they sic their wives on me to teach me how to date. But the truth is, if Mr. Right comes along, I might be too busy to notice him.”
Sarah B, a surgical nurse who requests anonymity, was more proactive. She met “a delightful man named Tom” through an online dating service. Their first date went well until he asked to light up a cigarette. She promptly told him she wouldn’t date a smoker; he said he’d tried to quit with no luck, and they parted.
Six months later, she sent him a text: “Still smoking?” He answered, “Negative. Pizza tonight?”
Last Valentine’s Day, Sarah and Tom celebrated three years of marital joy. And, yes, on that first dinner date—they split the check.
Merla Zellerbach has been involved with many charitable causes, currently Compassion & Choices, which deals with end-of-life options. A columnist for the SF Chronicle for 23 years, and Nob Hill Gazette editor for 12 years, she’s also written 16 books. Her latest mystery, Dying to Dance, is now available at Books Inc. in Laurel Village.
